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Home > Twelfth Night > ACT I - SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house.

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ACT I - SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

SIR TOBY BELCH
1    What a plague means my niece, to take the death of
2    her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.
MARIA
3    By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'
4    nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great
5    exceptions to your ill hours.
SIR TOBY BELCH
6    Why, let her except, before excepted.
MARIA
7    Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest
8    limits of order.
SIR TOBY BELCH
9    Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:
10   these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be
11   these boots too: an they be not, let them hang
12   themselves in their own straps.
MARIA
13   That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard
14   my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish
15   knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
SIR TOBY BELCH
16   Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
MARIA
17   Ay, he.
SIR TOBY BELCH
18   He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
MARIA
19   What's that to the purpose?
SIR TOBY BELCH
20   Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
MARIA
21   Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:
22   he's a very fool and a prodigal.
SIR TOBY BELCH
23   Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the
24   viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages
25   word for word without book, and hath all the good
26   gifts of nature.
MARIA
27   He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that
28   he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that
29   he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he
30   hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent
31   he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
SIR TOBY BELCH
32   By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors
33   that say so of him. Who are they?
MARIA
34   They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.
SIR TOBY BELCH
35   With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to
36   her as long as there is a passage in my throat and
37   drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill
38   that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn
39   o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
40   Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Enter SIR ANDREW

SIR ANDREW
41   Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!
SIR TOBY BELCH
42   Sweet Sir Andrew!
SIR ANDREW
43   Bless you, fair shrew.
MARIA
44   And you too, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
45   Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
SIR ANDREW
46   What's that?
SIR TOBY BELCH
47   My niece's chambermaid.
SIR ANDREW
48   Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
MARIA
49   My name is Mary, sir.
SIR ANDREW
50   Good Mistress Mary Accost,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
51   You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board
52   her, woo her, assail her.
SIR ANDREW
53   By my troth, I would not undertake her in this
54   company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?
MARIA
55   Fare you well, gentlemen.
SIR TOBY BELCH
56   An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst
57   never draw sword again.
SIR ANDREW
58   An you part so, mistress, I would I might never
59   draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have
60   fools in hand?
MARIA
61   Sir, I have not you by the hand.
SIR ANDREW
62   Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
MARIA
63   Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring
64   your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.
SIR ANDREW
65   Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?
MARIA
66   It's dry, sir.
SIR ANDREW
67   Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can
68   keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?
MARIA
69   A dry jest, sir.
SIR ANDREW
70   Are you full of them?
MARIA
71   Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,
72   now I let go your hand, I am barren.
Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH
73   O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I
74   see thee so put down?
SIR ANDREW
75   Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary
76   put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit
77   than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a
78   great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.
SIR TOBY BELCH
79   No question.
SIR ANDREW
80   An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home
81   to-morrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
82   Pourquoi, my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
83   What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had
84   bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in
85   fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but
86   followed the arts!
SIR TOBY BELCH
87   Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
SIR ANDREW
88   Why, would that have mended my hair?
SIR TOBY BELCH
89   Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
SIR ANDREW
90   But it becomes me well enough, does't not?
SIR TOBY BELCH
91   Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
92   hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
93   and spin it off.
SIR ANDREW
94   Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece
95   will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one
96   she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.
SIR TOBY BELCH
97   She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above
98   her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I
99   have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,
100  man.
SIR ANDREW
101  I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the
102  strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques
103  and revels sometimes altogether.
SIR TOBY BELCH
104  Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
SIR ANDREW
105  As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the
106  degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare
107  with an old man.
SIR TOBY BELCH
108  What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
SIR ANDREW
109  Faith, I can cut a caper.
SIR TOBY BELCH
110  And I can cut the mutton to't.
SIR ANDREW
111  And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong
112  as any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY BELCH
113  Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have
114  these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to
115  take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost
116  thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in
117  a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
118  so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
119  dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?
120  I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy
121  leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
SIR ANDREW
122  Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
123  flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?
SIR TOBY BELCH
124  What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?
SIR ANDREW
125  Taurus! That's sides and heart.
SIR TOBY BELCH
126  No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the
127  caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
Exeunt

< (Previous) ACT I, SCENE IIACT I, SCENE IV (Next) >
Scene Index
ACT I
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III
  • SCENE IV
  • SCENE V


  • ACT II
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III
  • SCENE IV
  • SCENE V


  • ACT III
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III
  • SCENE IV


  • ACT IV
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III


  • ACT V
  • SCENE I

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