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Home > Twelfth Night > ACT II - SCENE V. OLIVIA's garden.

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ACT II - SCENE V. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN

SIR TOBY BELCH
1    Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.
FABIAN
2    Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport,
3    let me be boiled to death with melancholy.
SIR TOBY BELCH
4    Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly
5    rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
FABIAN
6    I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o'
7    favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.
SIR TOBY BELCH
8    To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will
9    fool him black and blue: shall we not, Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW
10   An we do not, it is pity of our lives.
SIR TOBY BELCH
11   Here comes the little villain.
Enter MARIA
12   How now, my metal of India!
MARIA
13   Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's
14   coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the
15   sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half
16   hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I
17   know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of
18   him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there,
Throws down a letter
19   for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
Exit

Enter MALVOLIO

MALVOLIO
20   'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told
21   me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come
22   thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one
23   of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more
24   exalted respect than any one else that follows her.
25   What should I think on't?
SIR TOBY BELCH
26   Here's an overweening rogue!
FABIAN
27   O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock
28   of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!
SIR ANDREW
29   'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!
SIR TOBY BELCH
30   Peace, I say.
MALVOLIO
31   To be Count Malvolio!
SIR TOBY BELCH
32   Ah, rogue!
SIR ANDREW
33   Pistol him, pistol him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
34   Peace, peace!
MALVOLIO
35   There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy
36   married the yeoman of the wardrobe.
SIR ANDREW
37   Fie on him, Jezebel!
FABIAN
38   O, peace! now he's deeply in: look how
39   imagination blows him.
MALVOLIO
40   Having been three months married to her, sitting in
41   my state,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
42   O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!
MALVOLIO
43   Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet
44   gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left
45   Olivia sleeping,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
46   Fire and brimstone!
FABIAN
47   O, peace, peace!
MALVOLIO
48   And then to have the humour of state; and after a
49   demure travel of regard, telling them I know my
50   place as I would they should do theirs, to for my
51   kinsman Toby,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
52   Bolts and shackles!
FABIAN
53   O peace, peace, peace! now, now.
MALVOLIO
54   Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make
55   out for him: I frown the while; and perchance wind
56   up watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Toby
57   approaches; courtesies there to me,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
58   Shall this fellow live?
FABIAN
59   Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.
MALVOLIO
60   I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar
61   smile with an austere regard of control,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
62   And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?
MALVOLIO
63   Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on
64   your niece give me this prerogative of speech,'--
SIR TOBY BELCH
65   What, what?
MALVOLIO
66   'You must amend your drunkenness.'
SIR TOBY BELCH
67   Out, scab!
FABIAN
68   Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
MALVOLIO
69   'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with
70   a foolish knight,'--
SIR ANDREW
71   That's me, I warrant you.
MALVOLIO
72   'One Sir Andrew,'--
SIR ANDREW
73   I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.
MALVOLIO
74   What employment have we here?
Taking up the letter

FABIAN
75   Now is the woodcock near the gin.
SIR TOBY BELCH
76   O, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading
77   aloud to him!
MALVOLIO
78   By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her
79   very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her
80   great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.
SIR ANDREW
81   Her C's, her U's and her T's: why that?
MALVOLIO
Reads
82    'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good
83   wishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax.
84   Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she
85   uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be?
FABIAN
86   This wins him, liver and all.
MALVOLIO
Reads
87   Jove knows I love: But who?
88   Lips, do not move;
89   No man must know.
90   'No man must know.' What follows? the numbers
91   altered! 'No man must know:' if this should be
92   thee, Malvolio?
SIR TOBY BELCH
93   Marry, hang thee, brock!
MALVOLIO
Reads
94   I may command where I adore;
95   But silence, like a Lucrece knife,
96   With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore:
97   M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.
FABIAN
98   A fustian riddle!
SIR TOBY BELCH
99   Excellent wench, say I.
MALVOLIO
100  'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.' Nay, but first, let
101  me see, let me see, let me see.
FABIAN
102  What dish o' poison has she dressed him!
SIR TOBY BELCH
103  And with what wing the staniel cheques at it!
MALVOLIO
104  'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command
105  me: I serve her; she is my lady. Why, this is
106  evident to any formal capacity; there is no
107  obstruction in this: and the end,--what should
108  that alphabetical position portend? If I could make
109  that resemble something in me,--Softly! M, O, A,
110  I,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
111  O, ay, make up that: he is now at a cold scent.
FABIAN
112  Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as
113  rank as a fox.
MALVOLIO
114  M,--Malvolio; M,--why, that begins my name.
FABIAN
115  Did not I say he would work it out? the cur is
116  excellent at faults.
MALVOLIO
117  M,--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel;
118  that suffers under probation A should follow but O does.
FABIAN
119  And O shall end, I hope.
SIR TOBY BELCH
120  Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry O!
MALVOLIO
121  And then I comes behind.
FABIAN
122  Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see
123  more detraction at your heels than fortunes before
124  you.
MALVOLIO
125  M, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: and
126  yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for
127  every one of these letters are in my name. Soft!
128  here follows prose.
Reads
129  'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I
130  am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some
131  are born great, some achieve greatness, and some
132  have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open
133  their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them;
134  and, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be,
135  cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be
136  opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let
137  thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into
138  the trick of singularity: she thus advises thee
139  that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy
140  yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever
141  cross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to, thou art
142  made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see
143  thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and
144  not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell.
145  She that would alter services with thee,
146  THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.'
147  Daylight and champaign discovers not more: this is
148  open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors,
149  I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross
150  acquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man.
151  I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade
152  me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady
153  loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of
154  late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered;
155  and in this she manifests herself to my love, and
156  with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits
157  of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will
158  be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and
159  cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting
160  on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a
161  postscript.
Reads
162  'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou
163  entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling;
164  thy smiles become thee well; therefore in my
165  presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.'
166  Jove, I thank thee: I will smile; I will do
167  everything that thou wilt have me.
Exit

FABIAN
168  I will not give my part of this sport for a pension
169  of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.
SIR TOBY BELCH
170  I could marry this wench for this device.
SIR ANDREW
171  So could I too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
172  And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
SIR ANDREW
173  Nor I neither.
FABIAN
174  Here comes my noble gull-catcher.
Re-enter MARIA

SIR TOBY BELCH
175  Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?
SIR ANDREW
176  Or o' mine either?
SIR TOBY BELCH
177  Shall I play my freedom at traytrip, and become thy
178  bond-slave?
SIR ANDREW
179  I' faith, or I either?
SIR TOBY BELCH
180  Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when
181  the image of it leaves him he must run mad.
MARIA
182  Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?
SIR TOBY BELCH
183  Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.
MARIA
184  If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark
185  his first approach before my lady: he will come to
186  her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she
187  abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests;
188  and he will smile upon her, which will now be so
189  unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a
190  melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him
191  into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow
192  me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
193  To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!
SIR ANDREW
194  I'll make one too.
Exeunt

< (Previous) ACT II, SCENE IVACT III, SCENE I (Next) >
Scene Index
ACT I
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III
  • SCENE IV
  • SCENE V


  • ACT II
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III
  • SCENE IV
  • SCENE V


  • ACT III
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III
  • SCENE IV


  • ACT IV
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III


  • ACT V
  • SCENE I

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