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Home > Merry Wives of Windsor > ACT IV - SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.

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ACT IV - SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter Host and SIMPLE

Host
1    What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin?
2    speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
SIMPLE
3    Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
4    from Master Slender.
Host
5    There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
6    standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about
7    with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go
8    knock and call; hell speak like an Anthropophaginian
9    unto thee: knock, I say.
SIMPLE
10   There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his
11   chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come
12   down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host
13   Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll
14   call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from
15   thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine
16   host, thine Ephesian, calls.
FALSTAFF
Above
17    How now, mine host!
Host
18   Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of
19   thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her
20   descend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy?
21   fie!
Enter FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF
22   There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with
23   me; but she's gone.
SIMPLE
24   Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
25   Brentford?
FALSTAFF
26   Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?
SIMPLE
27   My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing
28   her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether
29   one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the
30   chain or no.
FALSTAFF
31   I spake with the old woman about it.
SIMPLE
32   And what says she, I pray, sir?
FALSTAFF
33   Marry, she says that the very same man that
34   beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of
35   it.
SIMPLE
36   I would I could have spoken with the woman herself;
37   I had other things to have spoken with her too from
38   him.
FALSTAFF
39   What are they? let us know.
Host
40   Ay, come; quick.
SIMPLE
41   I may not conceal them, sir.
Host
42   Conceal them, or thou diest.
SIMPLE
43   Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne
44   Page; to know if it were my master's fortune to
45   have her or no.
FALSTAFF
46   'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
SIMPLE
47   What, sir?
FALSTAFF
48   To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.
SIMPLE
49   May I be bold to say so, sir?
FALSTAFF
50   Ay, sir; like who more bold.
SIMPLE
51   I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad
52   with these tidings.
Exit

Host
53   Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
54   there a wise woman with thee?
FALSTAFF
55   Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught
56   me more wit than ever I learned before in my life;
57   and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for
58   my learning.
Enter BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH
59   Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!
Host
60   Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.
BARDOLPH
61   Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came
62   beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of
63   them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away,
64   like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
Host
65   They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not
66   say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS

SIR HUGH EVANS
67   Where is mine host?
Host
68   What is the matter, sir?
SIR HUGH EVANS
69   Have a care of your entertainments: there is a
70   friend of mine come to town tells me there is three
71   cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of
72   Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and
73   money. I tell you for good will, look you: you
74   are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and
75   'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.
Exit

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS

DOCTOR CAIUS
76   Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
Host
77   Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
DOCTOR CAIUS
78   I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat
79   you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by
80   my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to
81   come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.
Exit

Host
82   Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I am
83   undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH

FALSTAFF
84   I would all the world might be cozened; for I have
85   been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to
86   the ear of the court, how I have been transformed
87   and how my transformation hath been washed and
88   cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by
89   drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant
90   they would whip me with their fine wits till I were
91   as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered
92   since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my
93   wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
94   Now, whence come you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
95   From the two parties, forsooth.
FALSTAFF
96   The devil take one party and his dam the other! and
97   so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more
98   for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy
99   of man's disposition is able to bear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
100  And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;
101  speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,
102  is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a
103  white spot about her.
FALSTAFF
104  What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was
105  beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;
106  and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
107  Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit,
108  my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,
109  delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the
110  stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
111  Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you
112  shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your
113  content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
114  hearts, what ado here is to bring you together!
115  Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that
116  you are so crossed.
FALSTAFF
117  Come up into my chamber.
Exeunt

< (Previous) ACT IV, SCENE IVACT IV, VI (Next) >
Scene Index
ACT I
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III
  • SCENE IV


  • ACT II
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III


  • ACT III
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III
  • SCENE IV
  • SCENE V


  • ACT IV
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III
  • SCENE IV
  • SCENE V
  • SCENE VI


  • ACT V
  • SCENE I
  • SCENE II
  • SCENE III
  • SCENE IV
  • SCENE V

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